Here are some things you need to understand about me:

I have insomnia, depression, and Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. They all work together to make each other worse (or more pronounced). I also don’t eat enough, I don’t feel like doing anything besides staring at a computer screen, and I am a loner who hates being around people so I don’t go out much. These last three things occur because of parts of the first two. Actually, depression starts this all off:

Symptoms of depression as found online

• difficulty concentrating [I can still concentrate well], remembering details [I have an eidetic memory], and making decisions [Yes, this can be difficult even for simple things like what to eat]
• fatigue and decreased energy [Yes, because of not sleeping well]
• feelings of guilt, worthlessness, and/or helplessness [I've been made fun of all my life so I feel unimportant]
• feelings of hopelessness and/or pessimism [Hmm... negative views of the world... Yea, I guess so. I hate people in general because of their selfish attitudes]
• insomnia [I have this], early-morning wakefulness [Yep, I sometimes wake up at 1 am or 4 am but it is mainly from my roommate making noise], or excessive sleeping [on the weekends when I can sleep in until 11 am]
• irritability [I get snappy at little things], restlessness [I am usually dancing to my own music in my head and I always need to be doing something with my hands. When I watch a movie at the theatre, I need to be eating popcorn and when I am watching a movie at home, I get out cards and play solitaire.]
• loss of interest in activities or hobbies once pleasurable, including sex [Not interested in sex period. Other activities: I am not motivated to start reading or writing or walking or hanging out with friends but when I get into it, I'm okay. Unless it is hanging out with other people. People piss me off.]
• overeating or appetite loss [Appetite loss - I have gotten in the habit of not eating because when I tried to at home, my dad got angry for making noise or eating junk. Here at school, there is not much variety to eat so I am getting tired of eating the same thing over and over again.]
• persistent aches or pains, headaches, cramps, or digestive problems that do not ease even with treatment [my back hurts upon waking up, my shoulders hurt throughout the day, I don't eat enough or right so my stomach hurts occasionally, and my brain sometimes gets these bursts of pain that occur then disappear as quickly as it came.]
• persistent sad, anxious, or “empty” feelings [I never know what I am feeling - I can't distinguish between sad, happy, ecstatic, depressed, content, confused, etc. I'm just sort of there.]
• thoughts of suicide, suicide attempts [I think about how certain people would react if I died and that doesn't bother me as much as the thought of what people might to do all of my belongings (burn, give away, sell, ignore) I would never kill myself because I can't bear leaving my books and movies and computer and Yoshi Bird, and mom, and brother...]

Warning signs of suicide with depression include:

• a sudden switch from being very sad to being very calm or appearing to be happy [not a suicide warning with me because I have to act happy around people or my father will get angry.]
• always talking or thinking about death [The concept is intriguing to me since we don't know what happens to the person...]
• clinical depression (deep sadness, loss of interest, trouble sleeping and eating) that gets worse [I don't know about these getting worse but they are present...]
• having a “death wish,” tempting fate by taking risks that could lead to death, like driving through red lights [Not present]
• losing interest in things one used to care about [We went over this]
• making comments about being hopeless, helpless, or worthless [My boyfriend is very sweet and he compliments me and lets me talk and express my opinion but I am not used to it so I clam up and let him make decisions and shy away at his compliments saying I'm ugly and no, I'm not a great person...]
• putting affairs in order, tying up loose ends, changing a will [I've thought about what I want in my will... but never have I written it up or 'put affairs in order']
• saying things like “It would be better if I wasn’t here” or “I want out” [I have thought that life would be unchanged with me gone]
• talking about suicide [Nope]
• visiting or calling people one cares about [Only because I am one the other side of the country from them, now. I miss my Californians...]

So, I don’t eat, am not motivated, can’t sleep well, and hate people because of my depression. The OCD comes from having nothing to do but stare at my surrounds and notice things that are out of place and when I am watching a movie, I organise my desk again…

I hope you understand my behavior better now.

Advertisement